Insane and Funny Facebook Updates

1. A man asked a fairy to make him desirable & irresistible to all women. She turned him into a credit card.
2. Cop pulls man over for suspicion of drunk driving. Cop: Sir have you been drinking? Man: No. Cop: Papers. Man: Scissors, I win!
3. Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.
4. Dear Warner Bros: Now that I'm an adult, I feel I'm am old enough to hear what the "Beep Beep" is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote.
5. Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.
6. Blonde and Brunette r walking on the road.brunette says “Look, a dead bird.” Blonde looks up in the sky, “WHERE, WHERE?”
7. Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
8. Scratch here - ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ to reveal today’s status?
9. Would like to congratulate their parents on having such an awesome daughter-well done!
10. When you see a man opening a car door for a woman it can only mean 1 of 2 things. Either the car is new or the wife is.
11. Statistics say that 1 in 4 people are insane, so take a look at your 3 best friends and if they are all OK, its you!
12. Welcome to the real Internet, where the men are men, the women are men, and the children are the FBI.
13. I hate weddings. old people would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped when I started going up to them at funerals and poking them, saying, "You're next".
14. A murderer was sitting on the electric chair. "Do u have any last requests?" "Yes, will u hold my hand?" XD
15. Boy: hey dad I got a girlfriend Dad: Good job son! Girl: Hey daddy I got a boyfriend Dad: *loads shotgun*
16. Cops came around to my house today, told me that my dog was chasing someone on a bike, i told them to bugger off, my dog does not own a bike!
17. I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate.
18. Good girls go to Heaven, bad girls just make you FEEL like you're in Heaven!
19. Insert coin to view status message?
20. When I was born I was so surprised, I didn’t talk for a year and a half!
21. If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say "in jesus name amen".
22. Ques: Why do Girls live Longer Than Boys? Ans: Shopping never Causes Heart Attacks, .. But Paying the Bill does.
23. Facebook is like Jail, you sit around and waste time, You write on walls and you get poked by people you dont know
24. Dear God, please give us back Michael Jackson and in exchange we'll give you Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Bros. Sincerely, Me
25. ”The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.”