What woman's english actually means!

Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = Hell no.
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
You're so .... manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.

Some Funny Definitions

funny definitions
Pokemon – A Jamaican proctologist.

Rectum – What women do to all the cars they drive.

Dilate – To show up late for your own funeral.

Urine – The opposite of being out.

Dust – Mud without the juice.

Impotence – No hard feelings

Adorable – The button you push when you arrive at someone’s home.

Kidnap – What children do when they are tired.

Pharmacist – Someone who helps out on the farm.

Clothes Dryer – Sock eating machine.

Derange – what she should be cooking dinner on.

Yawn – The only time a married man is able to open his mouth.

House – What you had before you got divorced.

Disney Land – A people trap run by a mouse.

Easy – A woman with the sexual morals of a man.

Forum – How men feel about boobs.

Intense – Where you sleep when you camp.

Kidney – Half-way up a child’s leg.

Stop Watch – What men do when they see an attractive woman.

Hillarious Double Meaning Jokes

double meaning jokes
  • He took me from a bar,
    He took me in his car.
    He took my top off.
    He puts his lips on mine,
    But don't worry, I'm a bottle of wine!

  • What's an average 6 inch long
    inside a guy's pants and girls love to blow it up?

    A: 1000 Rupees Note
    Always think positive!

  • In which situation, Do men start sweating
    in 10 mins and women want to go and on and on?



    God Bless Your Naughty Mind!

  • Smile is the 2nd best thing you do with your lips.
    Of course you know the first one...

    It's keeping your mouth shut.

    But I like the way you think!

  • What are three problems about being an egg?
    »You only get laid once,
    »The only woman to sit on your face is your mother,
    »And it takes four minutes to get hard.

  • I love the way it rubs against the soft pink flesh
    creating creamy fomy liquid, as it goes in and out
    up and down, can't wait till next time
    My toothbrush

  • Feeling bored?
    Open the zip!
    Put your hands in between your zip..
    and take out your..
    books from your bad and start studying.

Insane and Funny Facebook Updates

laughing smiley
  1. A man asked a fairy to make him desirable & irresistible to all women. She turned him into a credit card.
  2. Cop pulls man over for suspicion of drunk driving. Cop: Sir have you been drinking? Man: No. Cop: Papers. Man: Scissors, I win!
  3. Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.
  4. Dear Warner Bros: Now that I'm an adult, I feel I'm am old enough to hear what the "Beep Beep" is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote.
  5. Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.
  6. Blonde and Brunette r walking on the road.brunette says “Look, a dead bird.” Blonde looks up in the sky, “WHERE, WHERE?”
  7. Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
  8. Scratch here - ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ to reveal today’s status?
  9. Would like to congratulate their parents on having such an awesome daughter-well done!
  10. When you see a man opening a car door for a woman it can only mean 1 of 2 things. Either the car is new or the wife is.
  11. Statistics say that 1 in 4 people are insane, so take a look at your 3 best friends and if they are all OK, its you!
  12. Welcome to the real Internet, where the men are men, the women are men, and the children are the FBI.
  13. I hate weddings. old people would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped when I started going up to them at funerals and poking them, saying, "You're next".
  14. A murderer was sitting on the electric chair. "Do u have any last requests?" "Yes, will u hold my hand?" XD
  15. Boy: hey dad I got a girlfriend Dad: Good job son! Girl: Hey daddy I got a boyfriend Dad: *loads shotgun*
  16. Cops came around to my house today, told me that my dog was chasing someone on a bike, i told them to bugger off, my dog does not own a bike!
  17. I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate.
  18. Good girls go to Heaven, bad girls just make you FEEL like you're in Heaven!
  19. Insert coin to view status message?
  20. When I was born I was so surprised, I didn’t talk for a year and a half!
  21. If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say "in jesus name amen".
  22. Ques: Why do Girls live Longer Than Boys? Ans: Shopping never Causes Heart Attacks, .. But Paying the Bill does.
  23. Facebook is like Jail, you sit around and waste time, You write on walls and you get poked by people you dont know
  24. Dear God, please give us back Michael Jackson and in exchange we'll give you Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Bros. Sincerely, Me
  25. ”The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.”

The Five Toughest Questions That Women Ask Men And The Answers You Need.

toughest questions
The questions are:

1. What would you do if I died?
2. Do I look fat?
3. What are you thinking about?
4. Do you love me?
5. Do you think she is prettier than me?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrect (I mean tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

1. What would you do if I died?
A definite no win question here. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a new Porsche." or maybe "Party all night.")

2. Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic "Of course not!".

Inappropriate answers:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but your thighs sure do make a lot of noise.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

3. What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent, woman you are and how lucky I am to have met you."

Inappropriate answers:
a. Baseball
b. Football
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

4. Do you love me?
The proper response is "YES!", or if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear".

Inappropriate answers:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

5. Do you think she is prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic "Of course not!"

Inappropriate answers:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were here age.
d. Define pretty.
e. Could you repeat the question, I was thinking of the insurance money again.

So just remember these answers or else you know what will happen.

Difference between Prison and Work - Funniest Comparison

funny prison and work comparison
I'm pretty sure that after reading this, you would surely like to be in Prison> and not Work

In Prison: You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At Work: You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cube.

In Prison: You get three meals a day.
At Work: You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

In Prison: You get time off for good behavior.
At Work: You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In Prison: A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At Work: You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In Prison: You can watch TV and play games.
At Work: You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In Prison: You get your own toilet.
At Work: You have to share.

In PrisonThey allow your family and friends to visit.
At Work: You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In Prison: All expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work requires by you.
At Work: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In Prison: You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
At Work: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

In Prison: There are wardens who are often sadistic.
At Work: They are called supervisors.

In Prison: You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
At Work: You get fired if you get caught.

Ahem ahem,I hope that changed your mind about being a prisoner and a worker. NOW GET BACK TO WORK.

Some Long Jokes (Very Funny)

funny professor
One day a college professor was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a moron,
and if they were, they should stand.

After a minute a young man stood up.
The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was a moron.
The kid replied,
'No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself'.

baby monkey
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That`s the ugliest baby I`ve ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said:
"Why, he`s a public servant and shouldn`t say things to insult passengers."
"You`re right" she said. "I think I`ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That`s a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"