Just Smile

Pokemon – A Jamaican proctologist.

Rectum – What women do to all the cars they drive.

Dilate – To show up late for your own funeral.

Urine – The opposite of being out.

Dust – Mud without the juice.

Impotence – No hard feelings

Adorable – The button you push when you arrive at someone’s home.

Kidnap – What children do when they are tired.

Pharmacist – Someone who helps out on the farm.

Clothes Dryer – Sock eating machine.

Derange – what she should be cooking dinner on.

Yawn – The only time a married man is able to open his mouth.

House – What you had before you got divorced.

Disney Land – A people trap run by a mouse.

Easy – A woman with the sexual morals of a man.

Forum – How men feel about boobs.

Intense – Where you sleep when you camp.

Kidney – Half-way up a child’s leg.

Stop Watch – What men do when they see an attractive woman.

The questions are:

1. What would you do if I died?
2. Do I look fat?
3. What are you thinking about?
4. Do you love me?
5. Do you think she is prettier than me?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrect (I mean tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

1. What would you do if I died?
A definite no win question here. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a new Porsche." or maybe "Party all night.")


2. Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic "Of course not!".

Inappropriate answers:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but your thighs sure do make a lot of noise.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.


3. What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent, woman you are and how lucky I am to have met you."

Inappropriate answers:
a. Baseball
b. Football
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.


4. Do you love me?
The proper response is "YES!", or if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear".


Inappropriate answers:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?


5. Do you think she is prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic "Of course not!"


Inappropriate answers:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were here age.
d. Define pretty.
e. Could you repeat the question, I was thinking of the insurance money again.


So just remember these answers or else you know what will happen.

I'm pretty sure that after reading this, you would surely like to be in Prison> and not Work

In Prison: You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At Work: You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cube.

In Prison: You get three meals a day.
At Work: You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

In Prison: You get time off for good behavior.
At Work: You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In Prison: A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At Work: You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In Prison: You can watch TV and play games.
At Work: You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In Prison: You get your own toilet.
At Work: You have to share.

In PrisonThey allow your family and friends to visit.
At Work: You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In Prison: All expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work requires by you.
At Work: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In Prison: You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
At Work: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

In Prison: There are wardens who are often sadistic.
At Work: They are called supervisors.

In Prison: You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
At Work: You get fired if you get caught.

Ahem ahem,I hope that changed your mind about being a prisoner and a worker. NOW GET BACK TO WORK.

One day a college professor was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a moron,
and if they were, they should stand.

After a minute a young man stood up.
The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was a moron.
The kid replied,
'No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself'.

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That`s the ugliest baby I`ve ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said:
"Why, he`s a public servant and shouldn`t say things to insult passengers."
"You`re right" she said. "I think I`ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That`s a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

This is from an actual trial in the UK: A young woman who was
several months pregnant boarded a bus.

When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated
on Account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing. She
had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he
acted in such a manner.
His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing
she was pregnant.

She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'coming soon: The Gold
Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement,
which
read: 'William's Stick Did the Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she
sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have
prevented this accident.'

The case was dismissed!

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want". Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked: "What is the matter ? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me ?"

The man said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Q: I run over fields and woods all day. Under the bed at night I sit not alone. My tongue hangs out, up and to the rear, awaiting to be filled in the morning. What am I?

Q: What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps?


Q: A certain crime is punishable if attempted but not punishable if committed. What is it?


Q: What goes around the world but stays in a corner?


Q: I'm light as a feather, yet the strongest man can't hold me for much more than a minute. What am I?


Q: What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?


Q: I am the black child of a white father, a wingless bird, flying even to the clouds of heaven. I give birth to tears of mourning in pupils that meet me, even though there is no cause for grief, and at once on my birth I am dissolved into air. What am I?


Q: I'm where yesterday follows today, and tomorrow's in the middle. What am I?


Q: I'm the part of the bird that's not in the sky. I can swim in the ocean and yet remain dry. What am I?


Q: Why is the longest human nose on record only eleven inches long?


Q: You answer me, although I never ask you questions. What am I?


Q: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Q: You can't keep this until you have given it.


Q: Your mother’s brother’s only brother-in-law is asleep on your couch. Who is asleep on your couch?


Q: Past mountain, meadow, field, and hill, it follows a river while standing still.


Q: Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days; how many have 28?


Q: Take off my skin -- I won't cry, but you will! What am I?


Q: The capital of Turkey is a long word. Can you spell it?


Q: The more it dries, the wetter it gets. What is it?


Q: What goes up and down without moving?


Q: What goes up white and comes down yellow?


Q: What grows up while growing down?


Q: What grows when it eats, but dies when it drinks?


Q: What happened in the middle of the twentieth century that will not happen again for 4,000 years?


Q: What has a foot on each side and one in the middle?


Q: What has feet and legs, and nothing else?


Q: What has four eyes but cannot see?


Q: What has no beginning, end or middle and touches every continent?


Q: What has no beginning, end, or middle?


Here are the answers !!

Man discovered COLORS and invented PAINT
Woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP

Man discovered WORD and invented CONVERSATION
Woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP

Man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD
Woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET

Man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE
Woman discovered LOVE and invented LOVE TRIANGLES

Man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
Woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING

That's it!

Thereafter, man has discovered and invented a lot of things..

WHILE WOMEN ARE STILL STUCK WITH SHOPPING !!

1. On a Beauty Parlor :
"Don't Whistle at the Girl going out from here. She may be your GrandMother "

2. On a Bulletin Board :
"Success is Related. More the Success, More the Relatives"

3. Sign at a Barber's Saloon :
"We need your Heads to Run our Business"

4. A Traffic Slogan :
"Don't let your kids drive if they are not Old enough or else They Never Will Be"

5. Sign in a Restaurant :
"All drinking water in this establishment has been personally passed by the Manager"

6.Amazing banner outside a wine shop :
"If You Love Someone Today,
You'll Definitely Love Me Tomorrow"

6. THE BEST ONE :
"Its GOD's Responsibility to Forgive the Terrorist Organizations such as Jaish, Lashkar etc. Its our responsibility to Arrange the Meeting between them and GOD"

Here is Trick

Recharge ur phone every month
freely by following this process.
Please follow the instruction &
you can recharge your SIM card
absolutely free.
Yes it is possible, see how
technology can be used to make
anyone a fool!
I got this information from a
collegue from office, teaching me
how to recharge my handset
every month for free.
I am going to share this to all of
you. Please follow the
instructions as stated below
before you start it:
Applicable for EVERY OPERATOR users
only and it is done
illegally of course. But there are
many things that are illegal in
this world.
But then who cares. Don’t worry
nobody can trap you. No legal
action can be taken on you for
this.
So go ahead without
worrying.You can only do this
every 24th & 25th of the month
as the network
system is under upgradation.
1.) ** Dial ” 1415007 ” using
your h/phone and wait for 5
seconds
2.) ** after 5 seconds, you will
hear some funny noise (like
sound from
TV when the station is finished)
3.) ** Once the noise stop,
immediately dial 9151 follow by
your phone
number
4.) ** A recorded message
“please insert your pin number”
will follow
5.) ** punch in the pin number ”
011785 45227 00734″ and wait
for the
operator
finish repeating the above pin
number.
6.) ** After the pin number has
been repeat, dial " 0405 "
7.) ** you will hear a message
“for air time top-up press 1723″
you
just have to follow the
instruction
8.) ** After you follow the
instruction, the noisy sound will
re-appear for about 5 second
9.) ** once the noise stop, dial ”
4455147 ” follow by ” 146 ”
10.) ** after about 5 second, dial
” 1918 ” after 3 second dial ”4451”
11.) ** after you done that,
punch in the serial number
“01174452271145527 ”
you will hear dial tone.
12.) ** once the dialing tone
stop, dial ” 55524785933 ” you
will hear ” please
key in your password”
13.) ** the password is ” ****
2+253+7891*+546322 ” wait
for the message “your password
accepted”
14.) ** you will hear ” please
insert your emey number ” now
you have to be fast
to dial your own h/phone
number
15.) ** you will hear a dialing
tone, when the call is answered,
dial ”
1566 ” and you will hear “re-
confirm emery number”
16.) ** once you hear that
message, dial ” 6011556
2245334 follow by your
h/phone number ”
17.) ** after a while, you will
hear a message “your pin
number is accepted” you
have to dial ” 1007 ”
18.) ** after you done that you
will hear “your emery number is
accepted”
19.) ** continue dial ” 4566 ”
you will hear “your password is
accepted”
20.) ** once the second message
finish, immediately dial your own
h/phone number
21.) ** Now you will receive a
message saying ………..
“NOTHING IS FREE IN THIS
WORLD, . SO, GET BACK TO WORK
AND DON’T WASTE
TIME !!”
Bye………Bye………..
Dont search 4 me to kill me… I’m
busy hunting down the one who
sent
me!!

***Fraud with Innocent Boys ***

***Fun with Handsome Boys***

*** Friendship with Charming Boys ***

*** Contact with Intelligent Boys ***

*** Flirt with Freaky Boys ***

*** Love with Faithful Boys ***

&

at the end

*** Marriage with the Rich Boy***

Here are some hillarious but embarrassing moments:
1. A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." The sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and she turned beet red and walked away.

2. A mother was taking a shower when her 2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for the camera and took a few pics. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!

3. An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, "Ma'am, would be OK if I sit here and talk with you?" She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed. The young woman waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on  her face she says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments." The cunning guy now yells loudly, "What?! You want $500 for 1 night? That's too much." Everyone starts looking at the woman and the woman feels very bad and ashamed. The guy now smiles and says, "Don't mess with an Engineer."
4. A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'THUMBTACKS.' In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: 'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER'

1. FINE - this is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is RIGHT & YOU need to SHUT UP.

2. NOTHING - means SOMETHING & you need to be WORRIED.

3. GO AHEAD - this is a dare, not permission, do NOT do it.

4. WHATEVER - is a woman's way of saying SCREW YOU

5. THAT'S OK - she is thinking long & hard on HOW & WHEN you will pay for your mistake.